Hug As If It’s Your Lust Hug #Q-Lifestyle (29)

Today I listened to one of the most interesting podcasts in my life. A divorce lawyer — American, from South living in New York, who’s name I’ll definitely learn, for I love to find out «my type of gurus and coaches» and who has been a recent guest on The Diary of the CEO podcast.

You’d expect a divorce lawyer to talk about divorce practice, right? But this is an interesting case of a versatile persona. The way he articulated love and relationships, made me fall in love with this person.

And I am sorry for not mentioning his name. I’m downstairs at the basement and my phone is charging upstairs, so it takes some effort to go and find out. Instead find him on the recent videos of The Diary of the CEO. For I will write his name down for my further youtube and google searches.

There three things or stories I’d like to highlight from this valuable, billions worth conversation.

First, the pizza.

When asked about when did he feel love or in love for the first time, Mr. Lawyer (let’s call this decent man so for a while) took time to think. In my head, in my ugly thoughts that came I was like: «common, how come you can’t remember the first girl you fell in love with! That’s impossible, such things pop up first on our mind». But, as I said, this man treats love grander than most of us, so he was going through a myriad of memories, including the first love and the kiss, his children and dogs, his wife for sure, and on. But, the first thing that flashed as he mentioned, was the memory of his dad.

His dad, a Vietnam veteran, tough souther guy, alcoholic, wasn’t a very affectionate person. He wouldn’t say «I love you», wouldn’t cuddle and do other things loving dads do. But once him and his best friend Tommy (let it be Tommy, for I don’t remember exactly) and his dad were having pizza. Old style pizza with 8 slices. All of them were hungry. As boys of ten or so he and his friend gorged on that pizza, swallowing one after the other. At some point each of the boys ate three slices and there were two that their father hadn’t touched yet. And he knew his dad was hungry. His dad offered the boys to eat that pizza and watched them eat it lovingly.

In about a week they had a similar dinner at Tommy’s house and what shocked the little boy that Tommy’s father, unlike his, slurped four slices in a row before the boys finished their first. He thought to himself then «My dad would never do that». And that’s how he understood that his dad, though never telling, did truly love him.

Story #2 — love your partner like your dog.

That statement is particularly valid for people who can and do love their pets.

Mr. Lawyer says: «I’ve got a dog, this is my third and he’s about fourteen years old now. So, there’s no much time left to spend with him. And I know, for I lost two dogs before». He says, even though his buddy is an old dog that it’s not the way it used to be, not that active joyous puppy he once were, still, this is the best dog for him. He wouldn’t trade it for any other — new, younger, better bred dog. This is his dog. And, therefore, it’s the best dog in the world. I thought about it, and, indeed, however rebellious, aging, whatever else our dog can be, he is the best in the entire Universe. Just as my cats. They might not qualify for contests and expositions, but to hell with that, they quality as top of the top for me.

Third advice — hug your beloved ones like it’s a farewell hug.

This hack he heard or read from one Buddhist monk. Whenever you hug somebody, hug them as if you’ll never see them again.

… This is deep. We often take for granted things and people at hand. Our parents, pets, friends, beloved ones, children. We can hate and despise them, blame and accuse them, but what if they die in 5 min. really? We all gonna die, sooner or later, that thing is guaranteed, thanks God.

I heard this just in the moment when I felt so much hatred to my parents. I must admit I very often hate them. Especially in moments of weakness. They probably mirror my faults, things I hate about myself in the first stand, and small little things can drive me crazy. So, hearing this advice while washing the floor, I went and hugged my mom and dad. And it felt relieving and healing. We ain’t no robots or perfect beings. We’re flawed and our flesh is weak. The spirit is strong, but the flesh is weak, remember.

When you hug someone, hug them as if you won’t see them again. At least in these bodies and in this reality.

Mr. Lawyer mentioned how he overheard his mother’s voice on a video played by his brother, while he was doing something and how marvelous that feeling was, for his mom passed away eight years or so. He heard her voice as if she was alive and around.

Sometimes I’m so cold hearted and overtaken by hate and rage that I rarely cherish people who love me.

Another interesting story Mr. Lawyer narrated was about his son when he was adolescent. At that difficult age his son often accused him of «not being a dad good enough». He even said «You suck as a dad». To what Mr. Lawyer asked: «I suck as a dad, compared to whom? To an ideal non-existing dad in your head or I suck as a dad in comparison to a real dad you know?» His son didn’t have any real living dad, but the ideal version of a dad in his mind.

That’s what Mr.Lawyer calls as romanticizing. He said romcom for women is same as porn for men. Destructive and delusional. With social networks, virtual reality, books and movies, we tend to fantasize what an ideal spouse, parent, child should be. We compare real people to nonexistent ideal characters in our head. And our expectations ruin it for us. What he said wisely to his son then was genius:

- Well, to tell you the truth, you suck as a son, too.

Yeah, believe it or not, our parents might also have expectations of us and look at «ideal versions of sons and daughters». In Kazakh culture this phenomenon is called «jurttyn balasy — someone’s ideal child». Whatever you do as a child is never enough, for there be someone else’s child who: wakes up at 5 AM and mops the house, cooks, bought a car for his dad… Thank God, my parents haven’t done that to me, though I’m far from ideal or even normal daughter. Hell of a daughter. And it’s me who blames and criticizes them.

Needless to say, Mr Lawyer and his son came to terms in ‘sucking’ as dad and son, hence failing each other’s expectations and building real life relationships. Or rather, they’re still working on that, for every relationship is a continuous work, I guess.

Another gem or pearl of wisdom that I just loved by Mr. Lawyer:

«Wealth whispers». Maybe it’s a popular saying, but, man, how profound.

As a divorce lawyer he often goes through finances in his practice and what he often sees that celebrities and influencers are dudes who often live in debt (!!!). Their lifestyle, lavish cars, brand clothing goes along with lots of debts. So their spouses are often surprised that there’s nothing to divide after divorce, other than debts.

Mr. Lawyer referred to many old sayings from his Southern dad. Like:

«Empty barrels are the loudest». People who scream they’re happy, have the best relationships or marriage, are super prolific or rich, most likely are not.

Wrapping all up, I would say listening to conversations and wise thoughts like this makes my day. Even though I was walking under a pouring rain I felt very happy, enjoying every word heard in my earphones. My little joy — listening to quality podcasts and finding new characters to follow.

Let’s hug each other as our last hug. Life is short and tomorrow we might hear their voices only from a video on the phone.

James Sexton is his name.