Happiness Formula

I just rewatched a compilation of the most watched podcast episodes on The Diary of the Ceo talking about sleep, fasting, other bio hacks and most importantly, the last but not least — happiness.

Mo Gawdat — my personal discovery of 2023, shares the simple calculation of happiness:

Happiness: Life — expectations.

Simple, but genius!

All genius things are simple in fact. (Should I say «most» or «assumably», as I don’t want to impose statements).

I mean, indeed, let’s try to apply this formula to our life events.

Recently I told a friend of mine that I woke up with a realization that I wasn’t 100% happy at my Aqtau trip and US trip, we went together. I said it was 25%. And by saying so, I wanted to shift all the blame on him, that his negative mood made both trips miserable.

Did I have the right to say that? Prolly not. Would I do differently now? Yes. Not his fault, certainly. My expectations more likely are.

For instance, I told him that throughout those trips we were doing things he likes — going to eat out at places he likes, going to the tours he wishes to see. I was compromising willingly, nobody pushed me or nobody forbid me voicing my wants. Therefore neglecting ourselves and trying to be ‘comfortable’ for others is a straight way to resentment. Therefore, it’s healthy to be selfish, straightforward, for at least you won’t regret denying yourself.

To this I would attribute 25% of my unhappiness — neglecting myself in favor of another person. To make it 0% a compromise of interests would do.

Secondly, I’d say 50% of my unhappiness from these trips is expectations. At our first trip I wanted to visit some pilgrimage sites, which we didn’t and get some insights, renew my energies. That didn’t happen, cause we didn’t go there. I wanted fabulous pictures, which I didn’t get. I got a couple, though. At US trip I also wanted to get cool photographs, the ones I could post on instagram. As a result I got one or two, so it makes me feel bitter that I didn’t take those pictures and I didn’t take those pictures, because I’m f***king afraid and shy from taking pictures. Absurd!

If you want good pictures — learn to make them, right? Learn to pose, get a decent camera/phone, look the way you want. Entirely my problem.

Plus we didn’t go to DC, which I wanted. :)))

I feel sorry for blaming him. Cause that’s me robbing myself of happiness. I had those freaking expectations. But, I gotta say, there were moments during both trips when something unexpected happened — New Year’s party, shopping at Queens, magnificent sights, breakfast in nature… — that are absolutely precious. U — unexpected. That made those trips U — unforgettable.

Now I question — how to increase happiness? And here I’ll theorize.

1. Blank slate — remove all expectations or minimize them. Be like a child.

A child is absolutely happy cause he or she experiences many things for the first time. So, going to some new place he or she knows nothing about what to expect. He just goes and sees and gets bewildered with joy.

Going back to my trips, I’d say — if I let go my expectations (beautiful pictures, sanctuaries and etc.) and just go for the hack of it, without any purpose (you know that the best parties are those you never really wanted to attend) — I’d feel so much happier.

For this reason, I would recommend myself and others — throw your vacation plan to garbage. Any trip ahead — go there like a child.

Aside from places we are to visit, there are expectations of us feeling a certain way.

We somehow (and it often refers to women) assume that by being in that place, say Times Square on Christmas — we will feel and look fabulous, therefore that picture we expect to make would make a perfect memory — a.k.a. instagram photo.

This shitty expectation of a great instagram photo = our desire to look better than we are (messaging folks on the other side of the screen ‘look how happy, successful, joyful, beautiful… I am’) steal our joy from us beforehand.

Let me shorten this one. Our expectation of a spectacular instagram photo/video steals our joy by 25–100% beforehand. And many people nowadays visit places just for those f***king pictures. To transmit a message that I’m happier, prettier, blah-blah than I really am. No one post pictures of their misery. It’s all fine and perfect on that digital marketplace.

Now give me a nagging bastard moment. Have you ever noticed that majority of people, I would assume 98%, look and seem better on their instagram and other social networks profiles than in real life? Have you had that effect. Someone looks so drop dead gorgeous and once you them in real life, you get that disappointed duck sound. People seem taller, smarter, fitter, hotter, younger… on instagram. There are very few folks who are the opposite, and usually they are not much into exposure. They rather expose their works — fine photography, mobilography, arts, you name it. But it’s not a roller coaster of ‘happy-beautiful-blah-blah’ faces and bodies. This is probably a sign that this person wishes to appear better in some way and has the right for it.

Here’s an unexpected finding. Something I didn’t expect to come across. Instagram. And Social networks. They also create high level of expectation. And as we know, expectation is a major stealer of joy and happiness.

Meaning, if or when we post too many photographs of our ‘successful’, ‘pretty’ selves, we impose way too high expectations on ourselves — to act and be a certain way — the ‘ideal’ selves we made up in our profiles. And any failure on our behalf — some friend of ours taking group photo which reveals my crooked teeth, short height… whatever… that small minor thing could be a killer. We will try to erase that ‘ugly’ photo by all means, untag and unsubscribe to that friend.

Imagine, going on a date with someone, who’s only seen our ‘perfect’ pictures — filtered and shot from the right angles… what a disappointment this person can encounter. That disappointment, and rarely it’s an opposite effect, might be visible, which would make us feel miserable.

I remember a colleague of mine was telling how her boyfriend told her «you ain’t that young in real life, without filters. You ain’t a girl, but a woman, so stop referring to yourself as ‘young’». That thing demolished her confidence. Firstly, no man of decency should utter anything like that to a woman, just not polite. Secondly, we, us, ourselves, create this «expectation /vs. reality» effect for other people.

Considering all this, I would assume, that expectation isn’t just a happiness stealer, but also a confidence crusher.

Here’s a hint — when you see ‘real life’ pictures on someone’s account — no makeup, no filters, messy house background, most likely, 99%, this person is pretty confident about himself/herself or just does not give a fuck about what others think of him/her, which correlate.

Back to — how to increase happiness? First, remove/minimize expectations — see the world as a child.

2. Be real, be authentic.

That derives from the first one. Accustom yourself to seeing and accepting all sides, angles and shades of you. See and accept every little thing you don’t like about your body and personality. Work on that if you want. But, first of all, accept and if you see expressions of it somewhere — people telling you your negative sides, unflattering pictures, you disliking yourself in a mirror or you feeling sorry for your own behavior — own it. Own your every plus and minus. Do the work on things you’d wanna change and see the result. But be ok seeing that wrinkle, pimple, grimace, protruding belly, uncontrolled anger, timidness and shyness… and say ‘it’s ok, I’m work in progress. I accept it. I’ll try to do something about it’. And do. Cause doing, acting upon it, will make you happier 100%. Take it as a long journey with tiny steps, new habits and lifestyle and as long as you tick that box every day, you’re good. Someday the result will show.

It’s much, much, much easier to grow and make progress from the realistic picture. It gives you freedom.

When Seth Goden is asked how to excel in something, he’d say «show me your old work», meaning show me the progress you made. Show me your old articles, your first paintings, first anything. Therefore, every time I see an interesting account, I scroll down to see the first works and if there is a visible progress effect, I’m like «yeah, this person is a hard worker, he’s done some shit. Subscribe».

On the contrary, when people start out «ideal and successful» they find it excruciatingly hard to hold that standard. Maybe that in a way explains why child celebrities go head over heals in their later years. Being pretty, rich and successful at a young age is stressful, for you gotta uphold that beauty or success of yours and you aren’t always ready or equipped for that. On the contrary, someone who’s been ‘disregarded’ has all the freedom there is to grow and become a better version of himself.

This effect was well practiced by Sufi masters, like Rumi or Omar Khayam. Persian and Turkic poets of Medieval times are often associated with wine and women, for which they faced heavy mockery in their lifetime. As chronics say, one Sufi master intentionally went out on streets in busy hours, got into a tavern, ordered hack loads of wine, drank it, put it proudly on his shoulders on the way back home and, probably, was same frivolous in flirting with women. Such behavior made lots of gossip and people would turn their heads away from such ‘wisdom seekers’ or ‘wisdom trasmitters’. This massive social denial liberated wise men from social expectations. Therefore, being a villain is much more fun and free than being a hero.

We’ve got two so far, right — reduce expectations & be real and authentic.

3. Novelty.

This comes from Mo Gawdat’s initial formula. Happiness = life — expectations.

The less we plan, assume and expect, the more new things we can experience. New routes, new acquaintances, new encounters, new adventures, new discoveries.

Perhaps, instead of going to a ‘popular’ place, say some Himalayan shrine where people get awakened and you automatically expect to experience something similar, go explore a village nearby. Maybe you’ll find that peace and tranquility, that sanctuary and sanctity, whatever there might be, something new and something you can’t even imagine, there.

Let life happen to you.

My friend, whom I blamed for spoiled vacation time, taught me a cool thing. Whenever we walked to work and from it, he’d say, «Let’s go a different route». Then he’d say «Let’s create …» I gotta find the word for «событийность»… There is no direct translation, but I’d say «Let’s create new possibility», which leads to serendipities, new neurological routes, and new pathways in life.

Bring in more novelty in your life. Not used to going somewhere, not used to playing something — do it. Go find a new hobby. Try a musical instrument. Try painting, drawing, just doing something new. Very conservative about foods — go try something new.

New things, new experiences — are things U — unexpected → 100% pure happy.

Go for N-new and U-unexpect, unusual.

So, deciding Mo Gawdat’s Happiness Formula:

Happiness = Life — Expectations

We would add: 1. Minimize expectations.

2. Be real & authentic.

3. Welcome novelty.

Luvs.

P.s. There’s the fourth I encountered post publication.

4. Be ready to wear your best dress now.

Meaning, live here and now.

If you are a girl, dreaming of a wedding dress and a bridal ceremony of a certain kind, live your today, your here and now, as if you are going to get married today. Be, or get close to, that physical state you want to be, mental, psychological, emotional and whatever state you envision yourself in.

If you are a Cinderella, so to say, have your body, mind and heart ready for the ball at any moment — at here and now. Cultivate that princess in you, make it closer, wear that identity, live and act as one.

I guess, that’s what people refer to when speaking of manifestation. Living, acting, breathing as if you are ‘that’ person already. Put that alter ego, if you wish, on. Keep it natural. Support it with your actions, behavior and lifestyle. Then, likely, our reality will accommodate, change in congruence with our renewed energy. Let’s try this, at least.

And, when we seek out for excuses — oh, I don’t have a gym right now, money for fixing my hair, swimming pool, car to go somewhere… Stop. Transfer that new you into where you are now and ask ‘what would this person, my new self, my alter ego, do in this situation?’ Most probably, this person — the better, upgraded version of ourselves, will find a solution:

- no car — no problem, I’ll walk, take a bus, subway… I gotta keep my fitness going.

- no money — I’ll look for a new job and find one or create one.

- no swimming pool — I’ll walk for a time being, then I’ll buy a car, move to another place, buy a yearly card and have my swimming.

- no clothes — no big deal, I’ll sort out what I got now, toss out what doesn’t resonate with me and leave the quality stuff. It’s ok to wear it for now, then I’ll earn and renew my wardrobe.

And it goes like that. In whatever limited circumstances we find ourselves — let’s create space and opportunities for our new selves. Where soul goes, the body follows. Energy creates matter. All these attributes — money, clothes, gyms, swimming pools, salons, cars… all that will appear. First is getting ready to be that person you want to be — following a protocol, daily habits, lifestyle, making sure you tick that box, then actions to support this new identity, to the point, that wherever you are, you are your renewed self, a different version of you, new upgraded version of you. All the material stuff, as experts say — cars, clothes, money, whatever it will manifest on its own.

Shall we try? Let’s do it together.

Luv you guys.