Diaries of a Beautiful Woman №31 — In Love with Miss You
#Confidence
Some astrologists say we’re entering the retrograde Venus period, when old love might return and I decided it’s just the right time to go back to my number one most beloved person — me. Me, myself and I.
Back in days I used to think that it’s selfish to love yourself, but now I see that it’s a necessity. It’s not just a survival skill, but an instrument for thriving. Cause, by sheer observation and personal experience I learned that unconfident woman is a toxic woman. Yes. By unloving ourselves we poison our own lives and the lives of those around.
And anyone should come to learn loving him or herself. Cause we are divine beings. Through myriads of chances we’ve survived, we’re functioning, and as scientists have calculated our health costs gazillions of money. How we treat this treasure? Well, medical bills and doctors sure know the price.
In recent months I let my health down. I lost my sleep, my schedule, my hormones and eating habits gone wreck. All because I thought I was in love. I probably was, in dilusionary, immature kind of love. Spent so many days and hours thinking of that person, dreaming, crying, suffering, listening to music and stupid tarot videos whether we’ll be together or not. In fact, most of these tarot videos say «yes, honey, he’s coming, he’s growing, he’s…». So, us, women, we fool ourselves into thinking ‘that is the loovvee’. Nopey, love is actions. Relationships is actions. What you do for another person. And if in any kind of relationships, be it work, friendship, or romantic one, you are not getting as much as you invest on constant basis, girl, it’s time to go.
Why I say so?! Cause I had that kind of relationships. Not about love per say. But, let’s say work. At certain point of my life, in my early and mid twenties when I was full of enthusiasm, free time and energy, I had relationships with my job. I loved and cherished it dearly. Gave all of me, or most of me. Stayed over most of the time, sacrificed my vacations and holidays. Until, five or six years past I fell dead out of burn out. No single drop of energy left. And you know how I determine lack of energy? It’s when you start feeling and looking like crap. Overall fatigue, you eat more than you want and need, cause excessive food gives you an illusion of energy. You sleep less, you eat a lot of junk just to compensate for that lost energy which cannot be restored otherwise, as a result you gain weight and your skin breaks out badly. No cosmetic procedures — shopping, day in spa, healthy snacks can restore your energy. It’s a small thing, it will have it’s effect, but very minor one.
The first thing to do when you run out of energy is to stop, take a deep breath, contemplate, reflect and ask yourself honestly — how much of my energy and time (and that is the most pricey currency we’ve got in life) I’m giving and how much am I receiving. If our exchange is out of balance, run girl. Flee. Say thanks and goodbye, go get ready to take on a solitude journey.
At one point in my life, disgusted with myself, with the view of a dying ox in the mirror, stuffing myself with high sugar high fat food to somehow dig out some energy, I said: «Stop». Signed my resignation letter, burned the bridges and left the place. Yes, it was a dream job, yes, I was growing there and could’ve built a career there. But it was sucking too much of me and giving very little. Demolition of old life took a lot of me, it literally crushed me down in powder and helped me revive again, like phoenix. Almost ten years past and if ever I look back or see some remnants of my old life, aka old job, I shiver and tell myself «thank God, I took that decision one day».
Another example is friendship. Cannot say nor claim that I’m a good friend. There were cases when I betrayed my besties. People I truly love, people I truly cherish in my life, people I’ve lost with so much pain that it still hurts. But, I was unexperienced, stupid, and in age prone to mistakes.
The case I want to talk about is our small circle of college girl friends. I’ve always been a kind of perpetum mobile in our gang, motivating girls to go out and reach for more, strive for more. And in deed I was giving a lot more to this friendship, I believed in it, I want it to be fun and memorable. Looking back, I treated this relationship as family, cause we moved to a big city together, we lived together and it was in a way a family. One day I realized that people you thought are your family choose «me» over «us». That many people are that way, they choose their individual interests over collective. And I was choosing «us» over «me». That hurt. Now many years past, there is still some kind of friendship, not my kind though, not 100% sincere and open, not 100% supportive. Nominal type of friendship. Where everyone goes after his or her own interests. And it’s boring, I don’t enjoy the company any more.
The moral of the story is, choose «you» over «them». Choose your individual interests, values and priorities. And the only exception, where you choose to invest in «us» more than «me» is your most closest family circle — your parents, who’ve life proven their commitment to «us» rather than them (in most cases of families), and luckily your spouse, who’s willing to choose «us» over «him» likewise.
Equal investment. Yes, it can be imbalanced from time to time, we sometimes fall short of energy and resources, then it’s the time of a beloved one to step in and give more, so do you, when situation arises. It gotta work both ways. Otherwise, energy imbalance will kill one of the parties.
Treat yourself as a priority and find a partner who does that to himself, too. Two strong individuals can find ways to prioritize them, to invest in a bigger thing called family. Our health costs billions and trillions, our time and energy costs gazillions. Let’s just imagine how much of our time lost on things and people that don’t give back, could be converted into so many things — professional skills, money earned through mastery of professional skills, freedom — financial and whatever, health and its restoration. So, grant that golden hour of sleep to your beloved you, not romantic expert videos, grant that golden hour to your skill, so you can become better and sharper at something, earn a decent living, travel, give back to your family, live a lifestyle you want. By prioritizing ourselves, our health, our time and energy, our lives in general, we set ourselves to better options in life. We determine the quality of our life.
Done with reaping all the lost hours of sleep, self inflicted suffering, immature and imbalanced relationships, now time to conquer the world. Get the quality of life you, you and me, deserve.
